Rick Hanson, Ph.D., author of Just One Thing and other thoughtful books on mindfulness, recently re-shared his beautiful essay, "Stay Right When You're Wronged". In his words, three keys to remember and strive for, when one is mistreated:
- Act with unilateral virtue — Live by your code even if others do not. This will make you feel good, lead others to respect you, and create the best chance that the person who wronged you will treat you better in the future.
- Move on — For your own sake, start releasing your angry or hurt thoughts and feelings. Stop your mind from obsessing about the past, and focus on the present and future. Turn toward what is going well, what you're grateful for. Do things that feel pleasurable.
- Be at peace — All you can really do is what you can do. Others are going to do whatever they do, and realistically, sometimes it won't be that great. Many people disappoint: they've got a million things swirling around in their head, life's been tough, there were issues in their childhood, their ethics are fuzzy, their thinking is clouded, etc. It's the real world, and cannot be perfected.
Hanson's other suggestions, briefly:
- Pause ...
- Have compassion for yourself ...
- Get on your own side ...
- Make a plan ...
- Clarify the facts ...
- Rate the bad event accurately ...
- See the big picture ...
- Reflect about the other person ...
- Do what you can, concretely ...
- Say what needs to be said ...
And as Hanson notes, this is:
... one of the hardest but most important things to do in relationships: stay on the high road even when you've been mistreated — which may well include being strong and even fiery, sticking up for yourself, and speaking truth to power.
Besides being the compassionate, benevolent path to take, acting in this way is usually your best odds strategy for a good outcome: not adding fuel to the fire or getting distracted by side issues, while also claiming the moral high ground.
Of course, easier said than done. ...
(see [1] or [2] for the original essay; and cf. Move On (2007-01-06), Core Buddhism (2011-10-17), Mantra - Let It Go (2014-12-27), Mantra - Safety, Health, Insight, Peace (2015-10-30), Mantra - Be Your Own Best Friend (2016-02-16), Mantra - Forgiven (2016-08-02), ...) - ^z - 2016-10-05